My Encounters With The Third Kind

So I met a snake today.

No not the fake snake from ‘Anaconda eats Hippo WATCH THIS Vedio Lulzz’ on Facebook, but a real goddamn snake. And of all places I had to meet it in the lane that leads to my house, on the corner of my street.

Now the thing with the lane is that it is so well-lit that you can mistake an elephant chilling out in the lane for Baba Ramdev and ask him about the discount offers on sarees and salwars at Pantaloons. I don’t think Baba Ramdev would particularly like that. I am certain the elephant wouldn’t like that either.

Anyway, so that’s that. My lane is the poor man’s 'Cabinet of Dr. Caligari'.

But the snake was totally cool and mistook my horrified pause in the midst of my iPod-induced dance-walk as a cue for a hi-five. And it waited and stood there in its nonchalant poise like a North-east guy.

That got me thinking (and sweating, but fear is the heart of love) – What if the snake was from the North-East? Why I could totally ask him to come home with me and checkout my wardrobe. And help me be cool, like him. And go out with him to the Tantra and then get laughed at by my friends, courtesy the tilted hat and the low-waist jeans that lets Raju peep out of the closet. That would probably make me mad and I would beat the shit out of the chinki snake and you would all call me a racist bitch.

So yeah, no can do – the snake wasn’t from the North-East.

But, but it was blocking my way. Like a fucking Bong on ‘path oborodh’. Whazza? What if the snake was a Bong? Why then I could totally invite him home for a cup of Darjeeling tea and a debate over why the Communists got their ass whooped in the Elections. And then things would get all heated up and the snake would probably bite me in the face and I would die panting, all Red. That would be ironic, yeah, dying with a stupid Commie color on your face.

No can do boss! The snake can’t be a Bong.

The snake was Black! Oh yeah, as black as 50 Cent would be. I thought of inviting it to a pub, but his Nigerian friends had spammed me long enough to make me think twice about getting drunk in front of Black snakes. Or winning a lottery. Whatever comes first.       

And then the snake spoke. Oh yeah bitchezz…he spoke.

Snake: Hey Pal! What up?!
Me: Why, how do you do Naagger? (What? What? That’s wordplay raa, not racism!)
Snake: Heard chicks were checking you out? I came to verify.
Me (elated): Yeah man! I mean that fair one was go…..
Snake: Imma letchu finish, but yeah rumors were right. You are ugly as fuck. KThnxBai!

And the snake slid away into the grass. Probably to mate till kingdom come. I went home to sleep. Alone.

Right! That snake is one lucky animal!

[Addendum: The snake just said Hi from the window. It insists that it is a reptile, and not a fucking animal! Wokay, boss. Added this. Be at peace.]

You are still reading this shit?!