Thursday, April 5, 2012

If The Army Really Staged A Coup….

With all the coochie-couping rumors and Chinese whispers in the press about the Army trying to stage a coup earlier this year, I thought it was a good time to wash my hands in the beheti Ganga of Blogger-giri with an opportunist post. What if these rumors were true? What if this General VK Singh blew the trumpet and made UPMA out of UPA? Well well well……

If the Army did really stage a successful coup then…

  1. Mamata Banerjee will instantly stand around a tank and demand a rollback, upon which the tank will rollback on her, thereby ending the insecurity of a whole nation over Didi
  2. You can finally stand up to the Missuj and say “Ae, there is no Sonia, Sheila or Mamata in power. Boss you shut up now ok?” {P.S.: The Army isn’t responsible for what happens after this}
  3. Manmohan ji will be made the head of all democratic alliances, thereby negating all hopes of anything being done or said against the coup. Ever.
  4. All stupid TV shows and docu specials featuring soldiers being forced to dance like retards in sync with horrendous singing by the omnipresent Aamir Khan will be banned.
  5. Bobby Deol’s glorious film, with patriotism dripping off like ghee from a Punjabi aunty’s parantha, ‘Soldier’, will be inducted into the hall of fame and the title song as national anthem. Thus will end an era of pathetic “Soldier Soldier, pant ki zip khol kar, **** uraa le gaya” jokes.
  6. Arnab Goswami will be sent to POW camps, where he will holler and cross question every enemy espionage element till either Arnab or the whole camp is finished. I am skeptical about the latter surviving.
  7. Suhel Seth will be asked to answer every question Arnab Goswami has ever asked his panelists on TV in his HT Brunch column style, ending in him self-combusting and ridding the world of excess baggage and white hair.  
  8. Twitter and Facebook experts ranting on how the huge defence budget is hurting the country’s economy will be sent to Siachen with a Swiss knife and a smartphone to carry on their noble effort.  
  9. Barkha Dutt will be sent to interview Hafiz Sayeed, where she will ask him inane questions like “How does it feel to have a $10 million bounty and US drones’ crosshairs on your head?” thereby ending in both screaming and then killing each other in a huge explosion. Win-Win for India and the Army.
  10. IPL 5 will be cancelled and instead, players will be competing in the ‘International Mine Stumping’ League. Where they compete against a hamming Sunil Shetty stumping out a Pakistani tank aka Gilchrist like he did in ‘Border’. Fun it will be, I swear.
  11. Bullets would be made currency, effectively ending all crimes. How? Example -- “Motherwanker, you would be dead by now if I had not been retiring with only two bullets in my account.” (inspired)
  12. All people harping on the Armed Forces being nothing better than killing machines will be sent to J&K beside the LoC. Yeah, now you can decide whether you want to shoot a Burkha in boots or take him to the maternity hospital. Yes ‘she’ is a him and will be shooting bullets from an AK-47 into your arse. But YOU are the human rights champion man. You know better than shooting an innocent civilian, of course!  
  13. Finally, Sachin will be asked to retire with a posthumous Param Vir Chakra, thus wiping out a country’s hysteria with cricket and turning everyone’s attention back to soccer.  
  14. Call of Duty and all other FPS-games will be FREE!

Alright, I respect our democracy. But when the state of democracy is the state we are currently in, you can’t really stop stray, weird thoughts from getting into your head, right?!

Core Commander of Useless Frontline Posts
Lt. Colonel DibDib