Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Autos & the Great Class Divide

Prologue – By autos, I do not mean the swanky Volkswagen Jetta or the Lamborghini Gallardo. I mean this. So if you had any plans to read up an article on your dream ride, dream more about it, and then get back to coding software, this is NOT for you.

Ok, so – most of you who stayed, know how cool these rides are. And how lame city traffic would be without them. I mean which fancy car can fit in 7 guys AND the driver, and still do a decent 70? Right. Without autos, life for us low-lives would be Zilch. Naught. Jhiro.

Anyway, once upon a time in West Bengaul (that’s how Bongs pronounce it, so relax!), autos ruled the roads. They roared, callously did wheelies, paralyzed cyclists and honked dead people deaf. And more importantly, they were Black. Black – ala Samuel Jackson. And like Samuel fuckin’ Jackson, they didn’t fuckin’ care.

And the even-blacker drivers of these black panthers were in a league of their own. They would swivel 100 degrees towards oncoming traffic, exchange gutkha with their north-bound brothers and chew out any dissidents then and there. With 206 auto-unions (last I counted, it was actually 286) to back them, who could challenge thy manhood, Herr Jackson(s)?

However, many gutkha-covered-moons later, a great, great revolution swept the Bengaul plains, and the roads too!

A new breed of autos had emerged – Tadaa!! C.N.G.!!

And before you knew it, the Great Class Divide was born. Green was the new White. Black was the new… Err… Black.  

The green autos were swanky, had fresh coats of shiny paint and most importantly, were elegantly subtle while on the move. And they had a certain autocratic, cocky demeanor while being on the move.

And as was expected, it irritated the fuck out of the Blacks. They felt downright ostracized – and even more inferior than their rusted bolts could mirror. Outrage soon turned to Enrage-ment. And thus, the Never-ending Feud of the Auto-bots was born.

Now, Black autos would swivel 100 degrees towards oncoming traffic, only to exchange domestic-borne pleasantries with the north-bound Green rival, like “tor maa ke mere gutkha kore debo” (‘I will beat your mother into the gutkha’ – Trust me, it sounded much more menacing in the native language!) and likewise, 7 screaming passengers notwithstanding.    

Apparently, 7 screaming passengers is no mean deal, especially when they are all trained in Rabindra Sangeet – hence you can imagine the amount of pent up anger the Black autos had to vent. And vent they did. Every other day, Green autos fell prey to Blacks. Swathes of scraped-off paint, headlights & rear-view mirrors littered the streets of Bangla. And, obviously, all of the said collateral damage was for the Greens.

After all, what did the Blacks have to lose anyway?

Till this very day, the bloodthirst continues.

And to top it all, like in the Black Supremacy & the Black Panther Party era, caught in the feuds of the Blacks & Whites (or Greens) were the Asians. This class included the Black autos who got themselves painted Green to enjoy the luxuries of the Green life, and yet not get their rears slashed open by the Blacks. Turncoats you say? Wise guys, I insist!

And so everyday, while going to work, yours truly does a 28-minute ‘sashtanga pranaam’ before the Goddess Durga, and wears a Kuver Kunji & Dayal Baba’s kavach– wears war paint ala Geronimo and walks out to the mercy of the autos. For being one of the very few ones not trained in Rabindra Sangeet, death will be pretty silent. And boring. Yours truly certainly does not deserve that.

And off I go!

As I said, what would our life be without the Autos?!


  1. awsum....bdw so u planning to get a CNG very soon...hmmm..wat bout ur baraati proceeding in a auto?????cool na??

  2. LOL.. You bet, at least if the baraat has you in it as the bride. :-D

  3. short sweet and fuckin' awesome :P

  4. so true.. reminds me of the people hangin frm the side!!!

  5. Autos... "zindabaaad".... :P

  6. The chronicles of an auto passenger. This can be made into a full length film. \m/

  7. awesome insight on these 'killer on wheels' aka. (what bongs would spell) auoto !!
    And a short note I would like to add, at nights, the auto-wallahs find it very offensive, if u ever take out ur phone while r sitting at the front...they say the screen light from the phn hurt their eyes, ignoring the fact tht the lights from the oncoming traffic is far more eye blinding. :D they've got sum rulz !!!

  8. agreed wid kulin..quite fluid writing with humor sprinkled nw and then..a very interesting read..n advice:do learn one rabindrasangeet song...mite help...lol...

  9. Great great, I'm so proud of Dibyo...

    I wonder how would a Rabindra Sangeet sound with crackling sound of auto-engine in background...

    Mama Chitte [Gatttgattt gattt gattt] Neche Nritye [grrhhhhh gattt gaatt garrrtttt] Ke Je Nache [grrrhh gatttgattt..."Garia Station--Garia Station" gattgatt gatatagata] Tata thoi thoi Tata thoi thoi [grhhhh... "Dadu onek hoyeche apnar gaan, ebare neme jaan" grrrhhhhhhhhhhh...]

  10. Bhery good job man!! i am lavhing it... :)

  11. @Typo - thanks bhai! :)
    @Srijan - LOL..
    @Kulin - with racist undertones maybe ala City of God'
    @Sagnik - LOL that is true. I have been cold-stared off the phone myself.
    @aiswarya - thanks a lot. :) as far as rabindra sangeets go, I have two left tonsils.
    @Rishi - Haha that was funny.
    @Suggi - :-) you are mosht vhelkaam

  12. Too good Dibs!!!!! Keep it up.

  13. haha....good going DJ!!
    every city has its complicated love-hate relationship with its autos :P

  14. @Missuj Sarkar - Thank you, Madame!
    @Ayush - right. those who travel in them, love them. those who don't, hate them. ;-)

  15. awesome. give us more insights into the bangla "Swear words" world